You Might Be a Redneck If.....

You go to your first NASCAR race and absolutely love it! Yes folks, I just got back from Charlotte where I attended the UAW-GM Quality 500. I am out of the closet...I love the NASCAR. Picture this:

• Packing enough food and beer to fill 4, yes 4 SUVs.
• Partying with people you've never met, but who you now share a bond with
• Drinking more Jell-O Shots in one day than you have EVER had before....and living to tell about it (we started out with 250, of which I think I drank at least 20....OUCH)

This was my first NASCAR experience. We aimed to leave the house at 1:30, which ended up being about 3:00 (and Elaine and Jacquie weren't even there)! We were moving along but got stuck in race traffic and were barely moving. One of our crew jumps out of SUV #2 to hit the woods to relieve himself. Needless to say, this is the precise moment that traffic starts moving...and moving quickly. This poor boy, decked out in VA Tech gear (guess he thought they were playing in Charlotte this weekend) ends up running about 1.5 miles in flip flops to catch up to us. Sucked to be him.

We parked the cars, set up the table, the canopy the food and let's not forget the Jell-O. Lord have mercy.

After tailgating for a bit, we load up smaller coolers and head to the track. How awesome is NASCAR? You can take your coolers full of beer, food and Jell-O shots inside. (The NFL should take a lesson from this.) We find our seats and plant ourselves. Now let me just talk about the seating arrangements for a second. You know how baseball and football stadiums are a little roomy and you're not really sitting on top of the person beside you? No such luck here. We were packed tighter than a can of sardines. To top it off, I was sitting between two not so small men. oy. If you've ever been to a Penn State game, I can liken it to Beaver Stadium, only worse. Its THAT bad. Needless to say, the beer was flowing and the shots were constantly handed out (if I had to hear, "hey rookie, what color do you want?" one more time.....)

I definitely fit right in as I was sporting the red and black of my favorite driver, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. True to this season, he wrecked quite early (still lasted longer than Jeff Gordon). After Jr blew out his tire, I decided to cheer on VA Boy and driver of the M&M car, Elliott Sadler...who wrecked...then it was Tony Stewart...who wrecked, followed by Kasey Kahne, who wrecked (are you getting the picture here?) If I had been anywhere close to sober and picked up on the pattern, I would have started cheering for Jimmie Johnson who I am NOT a fan of, but eventually won. ugh.

All in all, I had a great time. Even met up with my new boy which was awesome. Nothing like having your first kiss at Lowe's Motor Speedway. Now there's a story for the grandkids. Damn alcohol.

I'd highly recommend going to a race...even if you don't like it, the party is definitely worth it!

Vicky's Gotta Secret

Good morning! I'm not going to take up much time, but had to write about something I saw last night. I went to the "new" Tysons Corner mall to see a movie with some friends. (Proof = decent movie. Jake Gyllenhall = YUMMY.) The mall is friggin huge. As if it wasn't big enough before, they've added three floors a food court, a couple of restaurants, etc. HUGE.

The point of this is, I went to Victoria's Secret. You know the one that's been on the news because of the stripper like poses and attire of the mannequins? While I admit, its not your mama's Victoria's Secret, I was not offended by the displays. Hell, Bray wanted me to take his picture by one of them. ha ha I did kind of feel like I was walking into a strip club...low lighting, loud music, etc.

So yeah the mannequins are no big deal however, this new store now has an "adult section". Its a small room separated from the rest of the store with black curtains. Kind of like the little rooms they used to have in video stores where you had to be 18 to enter? (Yeah I'm old, I remember this shit.) Anyway, I had to check it out. The lingerie in this particular section rivals that of Fredericks of Hollywood. No crotchless panties mind you, or at least I didn't see any, but damn. The one item that caught my eye was the pearl thong. Now tell me Girls With Drinks and Berk, why in God's name would I want a string of pearls (fake ones at that) up my ass? I am a dedicated thong wearer, but pearls?? Haven't they seen the Sex in the City episode where Samantha wore them? One word...OUCH. (okay, okay so she did walk up about 40 flights of stairs, but still.)

Just had to share.

The Sounds of Silence....

Its seems the GWD have gone underground. No one is talking...I know, I know, girls not talking....who'd a thunk it? That is why I've decided to say something.

Something.

ha ha Just kidding. I don't have a lot to say either, but I did go to dinner last night with some friends at this cute little restaurant in Del Ray called "Fireflies"...check it out. The hummus is fabulous!

I also just ate so much at lunch, I think I'm going to die. It was 'just' a salad, and a really BAD salad at that. Since I didn't finish it, I figured a milkshake would make me feel better. WRONG. I feel like a big bucket of poo right now. Damn the milkshake from Maggie Moos.

So, let's see...what's going on in the near future that should give me some good blogging info? There's the movie tonight with the MSTR girls, date tomorrow night with random birthday party dude (yes, I have a date, mark your calendars...and pray for good shoes), and then a big vacant spot called the weekend. I'm supposed to go to the Navy/Air Force game on Saturday to tailgate with a bunch o' Marines so you know THAT will give me some good material. If the rains come, the tailgate won't be happenin, at least for me, and y'all will have to wait until I get back from attending my very first NASCAR race next weekend. You KNOW there'll be good stories out of that trip! (We're driving down to Charlotte so that alone will make for good blogging material.)

Until then fair bloggers....I dare you all to write something to entertain us. (Kayla, tell us about your date(s). Although there's nothing wrong with this guy, so probably not much to write. ha ha)

Peace and hockey grease (that was for Berk who is probably so happy that hockey season starts tonight he's about to pee his pants),

M

Bachelor Blues

Time for Ask Girls with Drinks!

My little sister is getting married next weekend, and her fiancee's bachelor party is tomorrow (Saturday) night. He's a good guy, possibly too nice for her, but that's another story. He's also very mellow, so mellow that he makes buttered toast look exciting.

So his bachelor party, planned in about an hour and a half by his college-aged brother with a little help from me (making the plans and telling him what to do), the bachelor party now consists of the following events...

7pm --- dinner at nice downtown steakhouse
930pm --- drinking and video games at ESPNZone
midnight-ish or earlier --- nine guys kill themselves out of sheer boredom

As far as birthday parties go this sounds lame, let alone a bachelor party. Like, where are the hookers, drugs, and farm animals? OK maybe it doesn't have to be quite that extreme, but maybe a little bar hopping, scavenger hunt, and for chrissakes maybe a titty bar??

So my question to you as the Vice Best Man in charge of Bachelor Party is the following... do I let it ride and try to help him make the best of what may end up to be a very dull evening (which would probably suit him just fine), make him do a scavenger hunt involving items not found in ESPNZone, or do I try to mix it up a little by dragging him to somewhere like Coyote Ugly where a bunch of drunk hotties can embarass the shit out of him (general female consensus is that he's a tall looker, so he'll def get attention), then off to Camelot or Good Guys? He'll be perfectly happy with the plans as they are now, and the latter comes at the risk of hijacking the current plans and ruining what he considers to be a fun evening out.

Blonde Moment

Have you ever had a "blonde moment"? Having had a few today, I think its kind of funny that they call it a blonde moment. Why not a brunette moment? or a redhead moment? I know redheads and brunettes who are ditzy. And where did that word come from anyway? Ditzy. Is it even a word?

Being a blonde (or at least one who refuses to let her darker roots take over as she gets older), I resent the blonde moment. I mean, I'm smart, or like to think I am. I have a college degree from a fine university in Western PA (back me up on this Berk) and a job title that say I'm smart...or at least suggest I could be.

So why is it that I can't I walk and chew gum at the same time? Why is it when I return to my office from getting a soda for myself and a coworker, I go to the wrong entrance of my office because I was reading the label on my Diet Dr. Pepper? (Oh yes, this blonde reads.) Why do my heels constantly get stuck in the little cracks of the sidewalks, so much so that I walk right out of them? Why do I trip while walking across a flat surface? Why do I sit at my desk with headphones on, but no music playing? Why do I head out in my car, start to think about something and end up somewhere I had no intention of going? Is it just because I'm blonde? Maybe its because I make fun of people for wearing the wrong outfit, or the wrong shoes, or because they look funny. Could this be God or some other higher power getting back at me? "You just made fun of that girl, now you must trip over nothing." Hmmm...

I personally like to think that I have so much going on in my brain that sometimes the motor-skills and other rational brain functions take a back seat to everything else. Yeah, that's it...sounds good anyway.

I guess I'd rather have them be blonde moments than "senior" moments.

Sun Dresses and Sunny Days

I'm a big fan of sun dresses. Women in sun dresses, that is... not actually wearing them myself. They are just one of the many great things about summer.

Unfortunately, fall started yesterday, at least for me. It was dark, misty, and dreary all day, and as I sat on my bar stool at 7pm last night, I gazed out the window not to a bright sunny streetscape, but to street lights, cars with lit headlamps, and people walking or jogging in long sleeves. No sundresses anywhere to be found. I was bummed.

I should have gotten used to the change of seasons by now. Everyone I know who's moved here from a warmer climate like Florida or Texas or SoCal says that the greatest thing about this area is the change in seasons. Well, I guess the grass is greener on the other side, because for the past few years I've gotten more and more depressed as the hot and bright of summer gives way to the wet and dreary of fall and winter.

Thank God for football, hockey, and skiing, otherwise this time of year would be totally unbearable for me. At least having my favorite sports at my disposal provides me with enough of a distraction to get me through the low months of the year until the sun dresses come back out of hiding.

National Singles Week...its for real folks

Is anyone else bored at work today?

So my friend E tells me that her sister told her that this is National Singles Week and she was wondering what to do to celebrate....being sarcastic of course. At first I thought National Singles Week was a way to call attention to singles and mock us for not yet having found that special someone to share our lives with. (I personally have many special someones, I call them my friends. Go ahead, get out the Kleenex. sniff sniff) I didn't even know this "special" week existed as it fails to appear on any calendar that I own. I figured some asshole made this up and the next thing you know Hallmark will have an entire collection dedicated to it.

Much to my surprise, there is an organization called Unmarried America and they have a website with some interesting (some could say depressing) facts, such as:

Singleness: 95.7 million Number of unmarried and single Americans. This group comprises 43 percent of all U.S. residents age 15 and over.

54%: Percentage of unmarried and single Americans who are women.

50%: Percentage of adults in New York who are unmarried, the highest rate of any state.

86: Number of unmarried men age 15 and over for every 100 unmarried women in the United States.

118: Number of unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women in Paradise, Nev., an unincorporated suburb of Las Vegas. This is one of the highest ratios of any place with 100,000 or more people. Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; Tempe, Ariz.; and Sunnyvale and Santa Ana, Calif., follow.

114: Number of unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women in Alaska, the highest ratio of men to women among all states.

So I say to you all....what better way to celebrate our singledom than to drink ourselves silly at Blocktoberfest this Saturday!!! Damn the man, save the Empire! er, um I mean F the marrieds!!! ....and after that my friends, I'm off to Paradise, as in Nevada, or maybe Alaska??

If you want to see more fun facts, go to http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/usaweek/census-release.htm

Hail to the Redskins....NOT

Folks, I apologize for this post, but with me on here, it was only a matter of time before I posted about a sporting event. I know my timing is off, but its been a long week and well, I'm tired. I happened to attend this past Monday night's fiasco of a football game in Dallas. I am a Cowboys
fan. I can say that out loud...depending on where I'm standing at the time. The Redskins won and I can accept that. Game 2 in the season is not a big deal to me. Starting out 1-1, not bad. Winning a game in the last 5 minutes is what makes sports exciting. (I'm glad I was out of the stadium and on my way to the car and didn't have to actually "see" it.....except for the 500 times they've played it on ESPN and every local news channel.) I have two issues (okay, we all know there are more than that, but this is regarding the topic at hand):

First, there were the Redskins fans in DFW Tuesday morning, well mostly just the one that annoyed me. While sitting at my gate there were a few guys hanging out clad in their burgundy and gold, quietly waiting for the flight back to DC. You know in their minds, they were the happiest mofos on earth and rightly so. Their shitty little grins said as much. Next, there was the crew of 5 guys in Redskins gear walking through the concourse yelling "good morning Dallas, good morning". Okay, even that was actually funny. But for one of these guys to proceed to insult every person waiting at my gate who just happened to have Cowboys gear on? I can see a little joking about the game or whatever, but to get downright nasty? To continually drop the F bomb? THIS is what gives Redskins fans a bad name. To top it off he was going off and rather loudly on how HIS team won and this was HIS day? This is where I get all Lloyd Dobbler on him and say "DUDE, YOU MUST CHILL". YOUR Redskins? YOUR day? Whatever. You suck.

I do have to add this note: Elaine and I were at the Cowboys ProShop at the Galleria on Monday afternoon checking out the goods. The store is packed with people loading up for the game and some dude walks in and starts singing "Hail to the Redskins"....sang the whole friggin song. Everyone was laughing! Now THAT was funny!)

Secondly and probably the thing that is bugging me the most are the local sportswriters. To actually suggest that because they are 2-0 the Skins of old are back??? Thomas Boswell writes"One victory is far too little to construct playoff hopes upon. But teams require inspiration to fuel them. And 64-year-old legendary coaches, when they come out of retirement, need
new miracles to convince another generation that both their charisma and their methodology still have permanent power." What exactly is this guy smoking, cause I want some! Are these guys watching the same team I am? The one with a good defense and a poor excuse for an offense? Until Monday night, they didn't even know that Brunell could throw the ball, let alone
complete 2 long bombs for 2 TDs!!! Luckily they have a receiver like Santana Moss to catch that ball. (Who I have on my fantasy team and had on the bench!) I get so sick of the people who write about sports in this area being so on again off again about their teams, especially when it comes to the Skins. (Kornheiser does get one thing right when he says "Bandwagon") If they were 0-2 they'd want Joe Gibbs fired. Now they're 2-0 and he's back to being a genius. The only good thing about Joe Gibbs right now is his NASCAR team.

I will close with this. I'll always be a Cowboys fan....been one forever, why stop now....however, if they manage to lose another game like they did on Monday, or should I say, if they GIVE AWAY another game, the only bandwagon I'm jumping on is that of the Black and Gold...go Stillers.

Note: The opinions of the author are exactly that...the opinions of the author. The rest of the folks on this blog, except Elaine probably completely disagree with everything that was said in this post.

Let the comments begin........

My Reality Addiction

OK, so Kayla's got her kitchen shows. Elaine loves the Amazing Race. Michelle loves her "redneck reality" NASCAR. I've managed to avoid them all for the longest time, but now I've succumbed as well.

I'm addicted to Fox/CNN/MSNBC hurricane coverage.

Maybe it's the impending drama, the whole buildup of watching a group of fluffy clouds formerly known as Tropical Depression 8b12Z take the name and destructive personality of one of my ex-girlfriends and destroy entire neighborhoods, towns, and geographic areas LIKE THAT BITCH RIPPED OUT MY HEART (ahem... calming down). Maybe it's the airheaded yet stunningly beautiful news/weather babes whose perfect hair and makeup bear a stark contrast to the destruction on the video screeens behind them (marry me, Juliet Huddy) Maybe it's the deeply moving stories of heroism and selflessness in a world generally dominated by hate, greed, and excess. Nah, it's definately the babes... Soledad O'Brien in a baseball cap with a ponytail out the back??? Mmmmm...... yum yum.

Or maybe it's a mix of all of the above, plus some other reasons and emotional reactions. Regardless, there I am, eyes and ears turned toward the TV every morning like the RCA dog hearing his masters' voice (only my master this weekend was Kieran Chetry... dee-lish!!). I've even started going home for lunch more just to feed my fix even more, as if an hour in the morning and four at night aren't enough.

So Katrina came and went. All of the sorrow, heartbreak, heroism, blunders, fingerpointing, etc etc is beginning to fade. Iraq has managed to scrape its way back for a few minutes every hour, and I even saw a new story on Amber Frye.

But now we have Rita, a mere annoyance to South Florida yesterday, but getting ready to rip Texas a new one this weekend. As the poor folks of Galveston and Corpus Christi are stockpiling water, ice, medicine, and preparing for the worst, I'm stockpiling popcorn and soda and preparing for yet another weekend and more glued to the TV.

Did anyone notice all the new shows on regular TV recently? Me neither. Blow Rita Blow!!!